I am so tired of hearing American citizens talk about how the illegal immigrants are coming in and taking their jobs from them. Come on! If we weren’t illegal, you wouldn’t be able to get away with paying us next to nothing. And do you really want to have those jobs? Do you really want to clean toilets, or wash dishes, or maul livestock all night long? I mean, can you imagine your typical New York stockbroker having to sneak onto a farmer’s property in the middle of the night and quietly drink the blood of five goats? Forget about it! First of all, he wouldn’t possess the dread gaze of the Chupacabra, a gaze which makes all animals freeze and succumb to my vampiric embrace. Secondly, he wouldn’t want to get his fancy suit all dirty.
The Simon Magazine